lets call in sick
by parakeetwuvs
Summary: Remus found a verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry special book.:P reviews are love. :D slash in later chapters. wawa chap 10 up! 3
1. intro

If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: "Hello. Can't work today, still queer." ~Robin Tyler

AN: like that quote? I do. Hopefully I can work it in somewhere in the future. AGH! I almost forgot to add an author's note. :D

Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, Remus and Sirius would be much more prevalent and ehem, less pg rated.

He stood panting in the hallway, exhausted from his run around the school. Looking over his shoulder to ensure he wasn't being followed, Remus turned towards the tapestry on the wall beside him and prodded it with his wand.

"_Opheniate"_. The tapestry became transparent and Remus scurried through, ducking to avoid the low ceiling.

The passageway was dark and damp; it smelled musty and dirty to Remus' sensitive nose. The walls were sharp, cut stone, probably formed by a witch or wizard's spell. Rocks jutted sharply from the walls, uneven and unpolished. Whoever had created this entrance obviously hadn't had sufficient time to carve it properly.

For the umpteenth time Remus wondered who that someone was, and why they had bothered to create such a huge cave in the middle of a castle. Remus kept traveling his well worn path, staggering deeper into the heart of his only solitary sanctuary. He knew he could well have gone to his dorm, or even to the infirmary, Madame Pomfrey was always delighted to see him.

But he wanted to be alone. He didn't want the others to know why he was hiding. Why he was hurt. He knew he could tell them anything, Madame Pomfrey, James, Peter, Sirius. Sirius' name crossing his mind triggered an alarm in his head, reminding him of the reason he was hiding. What he couldn't tell his friends.

Well, they knew of course, and they all loved him. They didn't care if he was gay. He could always trust his friends; his family to love him no matter what.

But not everyone in Hogwarts was as accepting as they were. And that was precisely why he was where he was, alone, sitting in a cave in a tower in the far upper reaches of Hogwarts.

A large group of slytherins had chased him up and down the corridors, insulting him and calling him names. The pursuit had lasted for several floors when the group had started resorting to throwing spells and hurling hexes. Had it been normal hexes and spells he would have been fine. Spending half of his time in the library researching and the other half planning pranks and developing spells with his friends had its perks. Namely a vast knowledge of counter curses.

But these weren't normal students. This group of slytherins called themselves the "death meeters". No, maybe that wasn't it. Whatever, it didn't really matter what they called themselves, either way, it was a cult like group bent on destroying happiness throughout the world. They were a school branch of a worldwide organization lead by some crack pot called Voldemort.

And they were trouble. Rather than casting a standard _impedimentia_ or jelly legs curse like a normal student, these teens were apt to use spells such as _sectumsempra_, the cruciatus curse, or worse. Which is what brought Remus, finally, tired and bleeding to his secret little hideaway cave.

Nursing his injured ankle, Remus maneuvered around stacks of books and piles of discarded chocolate wrappers. This place had been his refuge since the first week he'd attended Hogwarts, and he'd had four years to make his cave feel like home. The floor was magically carpeted with a soft, plush rug that was almost thick and cushiony enough to sleep on. He had transfigured several small objects into furniture, fashioning himself a makeshift desk, chairs, a cabinet and a long, soft couch. In front of the couch he had spelled a small fireplace and mantel on which he hung his astronomical calendar.

Remus lit a fire in his fire place and sat down on the carpet in front of it to examine his wound. The gash was about six inches long and traced diagonally from his knee to the middle of his shin and bled profusely. He summoned a book from one of the piles around the room and flipped through the pages until he found what he was looking for. Studying the page intently, Remus cast a quick healing charm on his leg before turning around to survey the aesthetic damage done to his cave by his messy entrance.

Noting the blood stains on the carpet and door, Remus beamed _scourgify_ around the room, leaving it much cleaner and more sanitary.

Clean up complete, he walked over to his couch and flopped down hard with a defeated sigh. It was impossible to understand the reason these wizards and witches tormented him so terribly. Well, not impossible exactly. Being a werewolf was socially unacceptable, and had they known he would have been a social pariah. Being gay was a different matter, not as violently dissaproved, but still, apparently, grounds for merciless taunting. Together, he had the equivalent of a social death sentence, but they only knew of the one. So why were they chasing him?

There were other people in the school with different sexual orientations, granted, not many, but enough. And they were never hassled. Of course, they would fight back when provoked, and usually stood up for themselves.

Though adequately learned in self defense, Remus considered himself a pacifist of sorts. Because of his lycanthropy, he felt like any directly violent activity would make him lose the control he strove so hard to keep. Sure, he was fine wrestling with his mates, playing pranks, or participating in sports, but he felt that fighting or any sort of real violence would push him over the edge again. The wolf loved violence and broke through whenever he let his anger or urge to maim over power him. A calm, unaffected demeanor was what kept him sane and human. Losing his temper could result in spilling his secret to the world.

So he couldn't fight back. And he couldn't tell his friends or Madame Pomfrey because though he'd be protected more often, and they would torment him less, those horrible death people would torment him more cruelly. If someone interfered with their teasing, they would go after him in more spite, with worse intent.

Abandoning one last stubborn blood stain on the floor that wouldn't seem to go away, Remus stood and tested his weight on his newly healed leg. Good as new, wouldn't even leave a scar. Bidding his secret room one last fond goodbye, Remus turned and exited through a hidden passageway connected to the library.


	2. CCCCCC

I'm a supporter of gay rights. And not a closet supporter either. From the time I was a kid, I have never been able to understand attacks upon the gay community. There are so many qualities that make up a human being... by the time I get through with all the things that I really admire about people, what they do with their private parts is probably so low on the list that it is irrelevant. ~Paul Newman

AN: I don't actually know who this Paul Newman is, and if I have offended anyone by saying that, I am deeply sorry. But this quote here I think is wonderful and perfect. I also have a quote by Kofi Annan in here, but I cited her where I used it. It seems as though I'll be using many quotes for this story, since I've already used three.

Disclaimer: Don't own, never will, gonna cry. :P jk (Rowling!) hahahaha what a horrible joke. :P

The trip to the library was wonderfully boring. No bullies, no hexes, curses, or bruises. Just a nice, safe trip down a jagged, steep, stepless decline into the heart of Hogwarts.

Stepping out of his hidden entrance behind a bookshelf, Remus breathed in the smell of old ink and parchment paper deeply. The dust and dirt created by slowly disintegrating pages tickled his sensitive nose and made his mouth water. This was one of his favorite smells in the world. The library smelled like books, ink, parchment, dust, and knowledge. To the ordinary human, the scent of knowledge was purely symbolic, but to Remus' lycanthropic nose, the scent was settled heavily throughout the room, weaving intricate patterns of delight throughout its contents.

The smell was similar to that of what a human or ordinary witch or wizard would smell in a library, but to him, it was so much stronger. It was laced with old magics long forgotten and the dank, musty, and lovely smell of power.

Remus loved how the quiet, unassuming library smelled like power. There was something deliciously symbolic in the subtle parallels of his world that he found rather enticing. The idea that a library, and in fact knowledge in general would smell like power made him giddy. It reminded him of one of his favorite quotes by Kofi Annan "Knowledge is power. Information is liberating. Education is the premise of progress, in every society, in every family". Sure, she was a muggle, but he reckoned she was still quite intelligent. She had to be if she was able to say something like that so fluidly.

Remus stepped out further into the library. About to leave, Remus turned one last time to make sure his cave entrance was properly hidden. Checking to make sure not a single centimeter of the door was showing, a book caught his eye that hadn't been there before.

"_A most curiously comprehensive catalogue of concoction components and their consequences"_, he read aloud. It was a large, black tome that looked as if it had seen better days. Remus flipped the book open to its cover page.

"_To whom it may concern, mainly you, the reader,_

_This tome is filled with informatively informative information. This information has to do with the intensely magical art of potion making, namely, ingredients and their affects. It details how to make or how to find potions ingredients, as well as their raw uses. Mainly, however, it details the expansive knowledge of the effect an object may or may not have on its intended potion. Clearly laid out is information also of how and why you are a failure in potions class, if indeed you are, and what you have in fact, concocted when you mess up. There is a detailed list of instructions for almost all of the potions already discovered that your parents don't want you to know about. In addition, there is also an index for "what the hell did I do wrong?" If you want to start researching and creating potions on your own, this book shall newly be your bible, and you simply must sleep with it under your pillow._

_Sincerely,_

_CCCCCC_


	3. Paper Pillow

You are digging for the answers until your fingers bleed,

to satisfy the hunger, to satiate the need...

And as you pray in your darkness for wings to set you free,

you are bound to your silent legacy.

~Melissa Etheridge, "Silent Legacy," _Yes I Am_, 1993  
AN: you know, I'm rather disappointed in the 367 of you. two chapters and not a single hit. I think I'm gonna cry. I even posted the next day. Awww… *sniff* Eh oh well. :D OH! Now I see them, haha sorry I did a stupid. Awwwww! I 3 you guys!

"…." Remus rolled over and snorted into his oddly shaped pillow. For days now, he had been sleeping with this strange pillow which was not his usual one.

"I'm worried about him James. He won't let go of that pillow lately. He'll even wake up for it!" Sirius was very worried, because Remus Lupin had this strange habit of not waking up for shit. He prodded his best friend's face and tried to lift his head off of the odd pillow. Moony's eyes snapped open and he started snarling. Noticing Sirius' hand on his face he jolted back shyly.

"Come on Moons, what is it with you and that pillow? I mean, you've even named It for god's sake. Now come on, out with it."

"Okay, well, you guys know when I disappeared a few weeks back?" Two head nods. "Well, when I was on my way back, I stopped in the library and I found _this_." He pulled out his copy of "_A most curiously comprehensive catalogue of concoction components and their consequences"_.

"It's a potions book, but it's so much more in depth than an ordinary book. It's been magically shrunk, so even though it looks like it's about four thousand pages it's actually a lot more. It's brilliant, I swear. I've been reading it for days, just trying to finish the introduction. I didn't want to show it to you all until I'd finished at least reading that, but I'm already a good hundred pages into it, and it's still detailing very basic potions. It's amazing!"

James and Sirius exchanged looks with each other, then looked at Remus excitedly.

"We want in," Sirius chirped, while James bounced off to tell Wormtail about Remus' latest find.

Remus nodded surreptitiously, and read the introduction to Sirius.

"_To whom it may concern, mainly you, the reader,_

_This tome is filled with informatively informative information. This information has to do with the intensely magical art of potion making, namely, ingredients and their affects. It details how to make or how to find potions ingredients, as well as their raw uses. Mainly, however, it details the expansive knowledge of the effect an object may or may not have on its intended potion. Clearly laid out is information also of how and why you are a failure in potions class, if indeed you are, and what you have in fact, concocted when you mess up. There is a detailed list of instructions for almost all of the potions already discovered that your parents don't want you to know about. In addition, there is also an index for "what the hell did I do wrong?" If you want to start researching and creating potions on your own, this book shall newly be your bible, and you simply must sleep with it under your pillow._

_Sincerely,_

_CCCCCC_

"Woooooowwww!" Sirius screamed once he had finished. "It's like, all freaking Ninja-y! where can I get a copy of this Remus? …Remus?" In his excitement Sirius had accidentally knocked his friend off the bed. He looked down curiously at Remus, who was slightly unconscious and face first on the floor.

"oops, sorry Moony." Sirius reached down and picked his friend up off the floor, placing him upright on the bed beside him.

After making sure Remus would wake up comfortable, Sirius again turned his attention to the book in front of him. After flipping the book open to a random page, he quickly realized that this book was even more special than Remus knew. In fact, he recognized this book from his parent's library when he was younger. Not to say it was a Dart Arts book, simply that it was a rare and very expensive book. He knew, from his mother once screaming it at him, that one copy of this book cost over thirty thousand Galleons, and that there were only seven copies in the entire world.

Sirius reverentially closed the book and set it carefully on the bedside table. He turned again to look at the unconscious boy beside him and reached out to smooth down a stray lock of hair, the very same hair that he'd always described as honey golden. Fleetingly, he wondered if those flaxen strands tasted as sweet and honeyish as they looked.

Sirius watched Remus' unconscious figure for what seemed like only a few minutes, but was in actuality several hours. Upon noticing the time, he wondered if maybe it wouldn't be a good idea to take him to madam Pomfrey. He had, after all, been out for several hours now.

Sirius hefted Remus up onto his shoulder bodily and set out for the infirmary.


	4. Slobery Sirius

Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?" ~John Stewart

AN: I have a surprise for a certain reviewer. Because your lovely comment gave me a wonderful idea, _imSiriuslyLupin4you_, I'm dedicating this chapter to you! Please enjoy! BTW, don't you just looooove the quote? XD Ugh I can't get rid of that one page break sorry bout it.

P.S. See what happens when you review? Lol you get presents. Teehee, siriusly though I honestly appreciate and read each and every one of your reviews and I lovelovelovelove them soooo much! So please, feel free to let me know what you think, it truly makes my day. 3

DISCLAIMER: not mine. But-yea, no, that's really all there is to it. Damn.

_It was so soft and fluffy, just like a cloud should be. But what he noticed most was that the cloud was perfectly dry. What sort of cloud was dry? The bookworm side of Remus was confused and unhappy, but his happy dream side decided to simply ignore logic and enjoy the gently rocking ride. His body swayed back and forth, to and fro, the perpetual motion was soothing and calming, and reminded him of a gently moving ocean on a warm spring day. He could almost taste the salt, and smell the sun bathing lotion. _

_The gentle rocking slowed to a stop gradually and Remus felt another cloud beneath him, this one not as comfortable but still rather soft and fluffy. A small bird started flitting happily around his head, cheeping loudly and tugging on his hair rather obnoxiously. Remus didn't know much about birds, but this one looked like it might be a parakeet, even though he'd never seen a black parakeet before._

_The bird stopped flitting and landed heavily upon his head. In fact, the little bird was quite weighted, more so than it looked that it should be. It tugged none so gently on his hair, and the calm state Remus had settled into was beginning to dissipate._

Remus opened his amber eyes tentatively, noting with apprehension that the little bird from his dream was _still_ tugging on his hair. Something wet and slimy dripped down on to his face, and he wrinkled his nose in disgust.

The young werewolf turned his head experimentally, only to feel a sharper tug pull at his hair, and he winced slightly in pain. The tugging eased up a bit as he lifted his head and glanced upwards.

And, of course, there was Sirius. _Chewing _on his hair. _Why_?

"Sirius," he gulped slightly at the close proximity. "What are you doing?"

Sirius paused in his nibbling for a moment to nod down at Remus.

"I was thinking, while you slept, that your hair looks like the honey that Peter puts on his toast in the mornings. I was wondering if it would taste the same."

"Sirius, you hate honey."

"Don't I know it! But it's okay, your hair doesn't taste like honey; it's perfectly safe." Remus sighed bemusedly and then looked up at his friend again, willing the blush in his cheeks to disappear.

"So, what does my hair taste like then?"

"Wet dog."

"WHAT?"

"I'm kidding Moony! Really, you gotta lighten up there mate." He rolled his eyes and resumed chewing Remus' hair.

"Only after you stop slobbering on me."

"Nope. Not gonna happen."

"Then that's your answer. I will not lighten up." Remus crossed his arms. He figured he should stop Sirius, because his hair was starting to feel rather slobbery, but he enjoyed Sirius' body on top of his way too much.

"Remy?"

"Yes Sirius?"

"Madame Pomfrey said you were allowed to go as soon as you woke up. If we leave now, we'll make it to transfiguration before class starts!" Sirius stopped chewing his hair and sat back on his haunches in a very canine-like way. He looked at Remus with big, eager to please eyes. Remus knew he probably didn't want to go to class, but was pretending to be excited in an effort to cheer him up from his infirmary trip.

Remus inwardly- and outwardly groaned. He should be excited to go to transfiguration; it WAS his favorite class after all. Any other day he would have been excited. But he truly didn't want to face those evil slytherins either.

"Remy what's wrong? Does your head still hurt?" Remus moaned again, thankful that his friend could be so clueless sometimes. Suddenly he was struck with a wonderful idea. Homosexuality was regarded as a disease wasn't it?

"I'm sick Sirius. Can't go to class today." He responded, suddenly chipper. Sirius looked at him, confused.

"Madame Pomfrey said you were okay. Not that I have anything against bunking off- not at all. In fact, I'll join you. But I'm confused…Are you upset or not?"

"Have you ever heard Sirius, that some people regard Homosexuality as a disease?"

"Well sure Moony, I've heard that, but I don't think you're si-"

"And all diseases must have a cure, right Sirius?"

"Remy I don't think it works that way…"

"So it's settled then, I'll meet you in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom in an hour. You bring the cauldron and potions set, I'll bring our book and the ingredients!"

"But Moony-"

"Hop to it Padfoot! We have work to do!"


	5. Terrible tongues

There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should be very free with sex, they should draw the line at goats. ~Elton John

Dear Funkyfish,

I would like to announce that Remus and Sirius are the GAY POWER COUPLE OF THE WORLD! And by the time this story is over, I should hope you will have converted lol. I would have pm'd you, but you didn't log in. let me know if you get to read this kay? ;) And if you don't convert, I promise I won't hate you. I respect your opinion even if it is different from mine. Hey, as long as you are pro-gay rights, you're all right with me. It doesn't really matter if Remius is your cup o' tea or not.

~love is nonspecific!

Parawuvs

AN: Whatcha think of the quote eh? Eh? Eh? Lol. Hey thanks again to imSiriuslyLupin4you for inspiring me AGAIN with this chappie! Moaning Myrtle's role is directly dedicated to you girl (/guy?)! Hey, anybody know where I can find a good site for magical properties of plants, potion ingredients, etc?

*giggle* Remus just can't remember the name of those pesky Death Eaters can he? Poor dear.

Nah, it doesn't have to make sense.

Thanks! Onward and upward!

DISCLAIMER: it makes me sad to think about it….

"Padfoot! Bloody- No! Don't put that in there!" A huge bang shook the bathroom, Spewing aloe leaves and frogs tongues every which way.

"Sirius?" Remus cautioned.

"M'over here…" Cautiously Remus toed open the door to the stall where their now ruined potion had once lived. Inside the stall he discovered a very sticky, very green, and very…different Sirius.

"Padfoot, what did you DO?"

"I dunno Moony," He whined, "I just put in the Aloe leavage like you told me to and-"

"Aloe leavage? There IS no such thing as aloe leavage, because leavage isn't a word! I said bat cleavage Sirius, BAT CLEAVAGE!"

"What in Godric's name is Bat Cleavage?"

"This," He said, holding up two small, blue, furry objects. "This is a pair of bat cleavage Sirius."

"If you add Aloe leaves- yes LEAVES not LEAVAGE Sirius- to frog tongues, masterwart, velvet flower, and dung beetle horns-" He looked thoughtful for a moment, " well actually… I didn't know what happens. I do now though! It explodes!"

"It's not that bad Moons, just a little mess is all…wait…" He looked carefully at his slime covered hand and shuddered. "Moony my skin feels funny."

He let out a very canine like yelp and started squirming in a decidedly un-masculine manner.

"Moony I'm all tingly…" he wimpered.

"Hold still Pads, I'm gonna try and get this stuff off of you." He tried to banish the stuff from his friend's body, but it stuck like glue.

"Remus it- It's starting to sink into my skin- Make it stoooop!" Remus cast several banishing and scourgify spells but nothing seemed to work.

"Hey! It feels like something's trying to crawl out of my ears!" Remus came closer to his friend, trying as hard as he could to hold his breath. Firstly because he wasn't sure if the fumes were toxic, and secondly, because his werewolf senses would pick up on Sirius' scent more than they already had. Which would drive him crazy.

He now had several tongues sticking out of odd crevices from his body, his ears, his nose, and even one attached to his eye. They were all different colors; from the normal pink one sticking out of his armpit to the royal blue jutting from in between the index and middle finger of his left hand. Vaguely Remus wondered if they had recorded the ingredients used for this potion. It would make a great suprise for those evil Death Beaters later.

Suddenly a ghostly, earsplitting shriek could be heard from the toilet next to them.

"My my my, what DO we have here?" The boys looked upwards and groaned in unison upon noticing the identity of their intruder.

Moaning Myrtle sidled up to Remus and literally ran her ghostly hands THROUGH his hair.

"I've been watching you and wondering…. What are you two …delectable boys doing up so late at night? And in MY bathroom? Hmmm?"

Remus gulped nervously and glanced pitifully at Sirius. It just didn't make sense. Why was she 'running' her hands 'through' his hair? Shouldn't she be doing this to Sirius?

"Could you two be getting up to something… naughty?" She let out a girlish albeit ghostly and extremely creepy giggle.

"Actually Miss Moaning, it's midday. Not the middle of the night." Remus and Myrtle both looked at Sirius incredulously. What the hell kind of a retort was that? Oh yea, now Remus remembered why Myrtle wasn't all over his gorgeousness. He was all toungy.

"Well aren't we POLITE?" With that last word she snapped her attention back to Remus.

"P-Padfoot-"

"Now now my little puppy doggie… don't be scared-" Suddenly Remus darted through the ghost and into Sirius.

"Of course! No one wants to play with me! No one EVER wants to talk to poor, pitiful, putrid, puffy old Myrtle!"

"Of course they don't you perverted old hag!" Sirius interjected angrily, holding tightly to his swooning friend. "All you ever do is molest innocent teenaged males!" She sniffed angrily.

"Well! If you don't want to play nice then I won't be playing with you at all tongue boy!" And with one final wail she sloshed back into her toilet, covering the bathroom in a fresh coat of goo.

"Sirius-"

"I don't wanna talk about it." Remus was still in his arms, blushing furiously. He wanted to explain to Sirius about his fear of moaning Myrtle, but if he didn't want to talk about it…. Well, Remus wasn't in much of a position to refuse. Not that he wanted to. He was QUITE happy where he was thank you very much.

So he had no problem answering.

"Okay."

"Hey, Rem…" Remus looked up.

"Y-Yea Pads?"

"Ya think you could get off of me now? She's gone and all."

"I didn't know you knew I had a Moaning Myrtle phobia," He said, backing away reluctantly.

"Sure Rem, everyone knows, it's just… nobody says anything since that time she came through the wall and you wet yourself." Rem Inwardly cringed. That was a terrifying incident. He STILL had nightmares.

"Wait- Padfoot," Remus looked at him, confused. "If you knew about my phobia, then why didn't you want to talk about it?" Sirius looked at him curiously while examining his still tonguey reflection in the mirror.

"That isn't what I didn't want to talk about."

"Well what didn't you wanna talk about?"

"Obviously I don't want to talk about it." He replied, laughing.


	6. Moony's Moaning Muscle

_From various bumper stickers:_ My sexual orientation? Horizontal, usually.* ~ I can't even think straight. ~ Let's get one thing straight, I'm not. ~ Straight But Not Narrow ~ Closets are for clothes. ~ I'm not a lesbian but my girlfriend is. ~ I'm not gay but my boyfriend is. ~ Equal rights are not special rights. ~

AN: YES! Prongs' Private Eye is REAL and loverly, check it out on my profile, it's fun, and includes my VALENTINES DAY rendition of Sirius and James' first meeting! And sorry it's so short but… It just felt right, you know? I added more, but it just seemed like it didn't fit. I'll make up for it. :-*

Bwahahhaha Quote! My fav=*

Thanks again to ImSiriuslyLupin4you for reviewing. I'm actually thinking maybe Remus will have a dream memory thingy of his pants wetting incident sometime in this story. Orrrrr you could write it if you wanna, but you don't have to. Let me know. I keep stealing your ideas, I feel like a thief! 0.o

DISCLAIMER: not mine OOOHHH! Winkle the cockroach belongs to my friend Kitty, who came up with the idea!

"What in bloody hell happened to you?" James had been happily writing in his Lily stalker book, something he called Prongs' Private Eye, when two of his best friends walked in looking thoroughly disgruntled and slimey.

"I don't wanna talk about it."

"Moons?" Remus watched Sirius step into the bathroom to wash the slime from his tonguey body. He wondered how long they would stay on his body.

"He blew up a potion."

"Classic Padfoot." James nodded his head wisely, and went back to his obsessive stalking.

"James?" James grunted in acknowledgement. "What is that on your shoulder?"

"Oh this?" James looked delighted, and took the small brown speck from his clavicle. "I bought Lily a cockroach cluster and she animated it and gave it back to me. She named him Winkle, isn't he just the cutest little thing?"

"Urm… Sure mate, he's great." James smiled goofily at his friend, and started playing with Winkle the cockroach, his eyes twinkling in a way reminiscent of Dumbledore. Remus shuddered. James could be very strange, creepy, and otherwise scary at times. Especially when stroking his new pet cockroach lovingly.  
Remus decided to ignore it and set to work writing down instructions for his newest creation, made with Padfoot's help. He wondered about a name for their potion and wrote down different possibilities on the parchment next to his newly scribed instructions.

_Troublesome tongues?_

_Terrific tongues?_

_Moony's Moaning muscles?_

That one was perfect! It was even created in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. He shuddered. Moaning Myrtle scared the shit out of him.

Unbeknownst to Remus, during his ponderings, Sirius had exited the shower. Clad in only a towel, Sirius jumped up on Remus' bed, just to annoy him.

"Wha-? S-Sirius wh-what are you d-doing?"

"Cuddling Remy, you?" Remus stared at his friend incredulously. Sirius KNEW he was gay. Didn't that bother him at all? Why in the name of Merlin's ball sac was he comfortable cuddling with him? Come to think of it, normal teenaged boys weren't even comfortable with cuddling other STRAIGHT boys were they? Maybe… Remus wouldn't know, of course.

He tried to focus his attention on writing up some more ideas for his anti-gay potion, but Sirius' body flush against his…

Images of himself and Sirius flashes through his head, and the little Remus in his pants was starting to become a problem. Part of him was fervently wishing Sirius would put some clothes on, but the other half of his brain, the one that Remus normally tried to smother and squish, was niggling in the back of his head. _I wish he would get rid of that pesky towel_…

No! Nope, Nuh uh, not good. Okay Sirius, time to get off. But when he looked down he noticed his friend had fallen asleep. He just looked so cute laying next to him, lightly snoring, his mouth hanging open…

Remus just didn't have the heart to wake him up.


	7. Moonlight Misunderstandings

I am reminded of a colleague who reiterated "all my homosexual patients are quite sick" - to which I finally replied "so are all my heterosexual patients." ~Ernest van den Haag, psychotherapist

AN: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH can you say JASON MUNDAY CONCERT TICKETS! OH god I died! - Oh btw I wrote that a few days ago. At this point I am on my way home from the concert….. AND IT WAS BLOODY EFFING AMAZING!

Can you tell I hate Honey? Oh and yea, I'm evil. I know. Doncha love me? lol

Dedicated to Jason Munday, Alex Carpenter, and Mike Lombardo (Who I just heard for the first time tonight) You guys wrock and provide me with sooo much inspiration!

When Remus awoke, he was aware of a warm body next to his. He shifted his head and realized that his pillow wasn't actually a pillow, but a stomach. A BARE stomach. Why was he sleeping on a naked person?

Remus cracked open one eye to see a naked chest underneath him. A very MALE naked chest. His eyes wandered upwards. To whom did this nicely sculpted chest belong?

Aw shit. Remus groaned. Right there, underneath him, on HIS bed was none other than Sirius Black, wizard, best friend, and lady killer extraordinaire. The wizard looked absolutely beautiful to Remus, and if he hadn't previously been in love with him, he sure as bloody hell was now. The moonlight washed over his pale skin, making it appear even more white and translucent. His black locks were spilling over into his eyes, and he smiled fondly. He had to resist the urge to reach out and tuck that hair back out of Sirius' face.

Shit… What had happened last night? He couldn't remember drinking and he wasn't hung over. But at the same time, he didn't remember doing anything erm- inappropriate last night.

"Sirius," he whispered, afraid to wake the others. "Sirius- wake up." Sirius let out a grunt and a very sleepy

"Fie mur minush Remush."

"No Pads," He hissed. "Get up now!" Sirius rolled over in bed to face him. Oh my, was that what he thought it was? Yes- yes it was. There was definitely a COMPLETELY starkers man _in his bed_. Yes that' was morning wood! Uh huh, that was awkward! Oh Merlin- he hoped they he hadn't cuddled up to Sirius while he was sleeping. How embarrassing.

Sirius looked at him groggily, eyes barely open.

"Wha're you doin my bed Mooey?"

"This isn't your bed It's mi-" Was it his bed? Remus peeked his head out of the curtains to see a bedside table full of books and potions ingredients. Yes- It WAS his bed. Thank Merlin for small mercies.

"This is MY bed Padfoot. YOU are in MY bed. Not the other way around."

"Oh. Well then," He said sleepily. "Tha'sokay then. Night Remy." With that he turned and pulled Remus to his chest before sinking back into sleep.

"No- Sirius-" But he was cut off by an uncharacteristic snore.

Well, he thought, if you can't beat em, join em. And with that thought he nestled comfortably into Sirius' arms. He would deal with this in the morning. For now- he would just enjoy it. Well, if he could ignore the morning wood that was.

Sirius sighed and looked down at Remus contentedly. He'd fallen well for the 'I'm a sleepy Sirius' act. Even the snore. Sirius didn't usually snore very loudly. Peter had told him once that he breathed funny, but said it didn't quite make a whole snore.

He smiled fondly and pushed a stray hair behind a sleeping Remus' ear. Thank Merlin his hair didn't taste like honey. Sirius suppressed a shudder. He hated honey. It was yucky and sticky and it tasted the way his old house elf Knobson's sneezes used to smell.

The worst part was that it was bee vomit. He didn't like the idea of eating another creature's puke. How disgusting. Really! Who wanted to eat vomit? Weren't vomit flavored Berttie Botts enough? You don't see people eating troll snot, and that stuff smelled just like treacle tart.

Back in the present, Remus was snuffling and wiggling closer to Sirius. At that point Sirius wished he had had the presence of mind to put on clothing before falling into Remus' bed. Being completely starkers wasn't working for him.

He was getting a little uncomfortable in his nether regions, due to all the blood rushing down there. And that wasn't exactly morning wood. Being in bed with Remus was- exciting, to say the least. And even though he was sure Remus didn't feel the same, being who he was (Sirius Black), he could get away with a few more than friendly actions now and again. He had spent nights cuddling close to his friends before he had discovered his sexuality. Even before he had discovered girls, or wank mags, or any wanking or sexual activity at all.

But being here- with Remus… He couldn't help himself.

Slowly he inched forward and pressed tender kisses to his forehead until he awoke. Once Remus opened his groggy eyes he moved on to his mouth, placing one chaste kiss upon his lips.

He closed his eyes and moved in again, and with one subtle lick to Remus' bottom lip, he was given entrance. They spent what felt like hours in that tentative, but loving embrace, though in actuality it was but a few seconds.

Suddenly Remus pulled away.

"This isn't a dream," He whispered with mortification. "I'm so sorry Sirius. I- I didn't want you to know- I- I have to go. I'm so sorry." He jolted out of bed as fast as he could and pulled on his clothing.

"Rem, I- You don't have-"

"No Sirius, I'm really- I just have to go. I'll leave you alone, I'll- I'll never talk to you again."

"Remus, don't leave. Please." He finished tying his shoes and headed towards the door.

"I'll still be in school. We share a dorm, and classes. It's not like I'm leaving forever. Goodbye Sirius." And with tears in his eyes he closed the door.

"That's not what I meant Rem," He whispered to himself. "That's not what I meant."


	8. Potion Problems

"**Let the little fairy in you fly!"**

~Rufus Wainwright

AN: Last chapter was my VERY FIRST kiss scene. Did I do okay? 0.o btw there is no concrete plan for this. I wasn't planning on him trying to find a cure for his gayness, or finding a book, or being in bed. It just happened! Lol but I like it anyways. Hey I'm evil yea? Lol, I'm well aware that not all men act this way, I'm just tryin to make him as opposite as possible.

DISCLAIMER: Not mine lol

Back in his little cave Remus was adding one last spoonful of ground bat eyeballs to his potion. Grinning with a crazed sparkle in his eye, Remus downed the potion in one gulp.

"I've done it!" He whispered.

"Hey mate, have you seen Remus yet today? I really need to talk to him." James eyed him suspiciously.

"What'd you do Pads? And no, I haven't seen him today."

"Well…" Sirius began his story starting with when he had gotten out of the shower the night before. He had fallen asleep on Remus' bed. Judging by the fact that he had also woken up there, he had figured Remus didn't mind. Then he ended with Remus running out of the door.

James whistled. "You really messed up there mate." He remarked, slapping his shoulder in a brotherly manner.

"Do you reckon I should tell him? I figured it's pretty bloody obvious that I fancy him, but-" suddenly he paused. "Maybe he really doesn't fancy me back." On that note the door slammed open.

"Wotcher!"Remus walked into the room looking strong, healthy and tan.

"Whoa- What happened to you mate?"

"Not much. Just a little- change. For the better I'm sure." The cocky grin seemed out of place on his small face. His skin had tanned over night, and now instead of making him look fragile, his scars made him look tough and muscular.

"Fancy some breakfast mates? I'm heading down. By the way, did you see that Evans bird? Right piece of work that one. Not for breakfast then? Right well, ta then."

He swept out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

"What the bloody hell was that?" James looked at him with disbelief.

"I haven't the slightest idea Prongs. Not the slightest."

The odd behavior continued throughout the day. Remus strutted to class, winking at girls and discussing quiditch loudly along the way. He didn't pay attention to his studies, preferring instead to doodle breasts onto his notes and pinch girls' bottoms.

When Sirius went up to him to apologize, Remus laughed him off.

"It's not a problem anymore mate. What that idiot did earlier isn't so important. He's not here any longer."

"What do you mean he's not here?" Sirius looked at him incredulously.

"What I mean," He said conspiratorially "Is that that poof Remus isn't here right now. He did a trade off with that potion thing. He was all fairy. I'm all man." He quirked an eyebrow at a passing girl.

He let out a low whistle. "Did you see the knockers on that bird? Love to shag that one hey mate?" Sirius looked at him with disgust.

"No. Not really. And neither do you. The Remus I know is respectful and kind towards girls, what's gotten into you Rem?"

"Oh, I get what's going on here."

"You do?" Sirius looked at him, confused. What _was _going on here?

"Sure I do. You fancy him don't you?"

"I- I don't know what you're talking about."

"Uh huh. You're another one of those fucking fairies, aren't you?" The confusion fell right off of Sirius' face and was replaced by anger.

"What do you mean by that?"

"All I mean is that you'd better get your act together. I'm not the Remus you remember, and I refuse to share a dormitory with a poof. It's bad enough I have to share a body with one."

"You bastard. Where is Remus?" He smirked.

"He's right here. Inside of me. And as long as the potion is still effective, he ain't coming back out mate."


	9. smoking smackdown

Bisexuality is a blessing and a curse, but viewing it as a schizophrenia will make you insane... I am not a whole person with split desires: I am a whole person with desire. As everyone is, regardless. ~Agavé Powers

AN: Ikr! Isn't he just the shittiest little thing? I hate it but I love it! I can't decide. I'm either gonna take this in a Jekyll and Hyde direction or have him keep perfecting the potion and end up with a different personality every time he takes the potion. Whatcha think?

Mwahahahahaha! I just had my Ex listen to Hey Molly by Mike Lombardo. I couldn't resist the dig. "If you said you loved me then I'd never play halo again."

If he had said that to me, we'd still be together lol.

This is dedicated to _not bitter just twisted_ for scaring the sh*t out of me with your official looking review. Lol that was mildly evil.

Okay, I haven't been able to find a border that will transfer over yet, but I'll try again.

Disclaimer: Nah mine.

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Remus raced up the stairs as fast as his legs could carry him. He tapped the tapestry with his wand and muttered the incantation before dashing through the opening and slipping down the rocky tunnel.

He had to get to his little cave and prepare more of the potion. He really couldn't remember how well it had worked, but Sirius was still mad at him. So obviously, he wasn't masculine enough.

However, several girls had giggled and winked at him while he was running, and he could only imagine that he must have been after them in some way.

Kneeling on the carpet in front of his fireplace, Remus downed the potion and lost himself in Romulus once more.

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"I don't know what the hell is wrong with him James!" James watched his friend nervously pacing the room. During herbology, the new Remus had callapsed on the floor. As soon as he woke up he sprang upright and pushed everyone out of his way. He had jolted to the door and left. No one had seen him since, and it had been five hours.

"Jimmy," the door slammed open. "Pete." Remus nodded to each in turn, ignoring Sirius.

"What you blokes up to tonight? Fancy sneaking into Hogsmeade to nab a couple birds tonight?" He asked as he lit up a cigarette.

"Uh- well-Rem-I-" James spluttered as Remus took a long drag from the stick between his fingers.

"Rom."

"Wh-what?" James looked at him, clearly shocked into half speachlessness.

"I said," He reiterated as if talking to a small child, "It's Rom. Not Rem. Rom, as in Romulus. I'm Romulus."

"But Remus-" The look he was given made him cut off quickly.

"I mean- Romulus- since when do you shag girls? Especially one offs?"

"Are you calling me a fag?" He blew smoke in James' face. Now, James was not a hothead by any means, but he _really_ hated cigarette smoke. He couldn't stand it. Not one bit. He didn't like smoking, and none of his friends had so much as touched a roll since he had freaked out at Peter in fourth year for smoking the stuff while watching Quiditch practice. Peter had non-toxic smoke coming out of every crevice of his body for weeks. Every _single _crevice. And it had taken his hair and eyebrows months to grow back.

James had had enough. He was pissed off and he wasn't going to let this Romulus bastard push him around.

"Maybe I am REMUS." Romulus advanced on him threateningly. Sirius looked between the two. This wasn't going to end well.

"I'm gonna give you a chance and pretend I didn't hear that. Now, one more time. Are. You. Calling me. A. Fag?"

"Well if the ass fits…" Romulus tackled him and grabbed him by the neck. James was stronger and faster though, and by the end of the swift tussle, he had the boy pinned against the floor.

"What the _hell_ has gotten into you Remus?"

"I _told you,_ may name isn't Remus!"

"James," Sirius said softly, putting a restraining hand on James' tense arm. "You can't hurt him. It's still Remus' body."

James just looked at him with smouldering anger in his eyes.

"He's right you know. I'm not Remus. I've only been telling you for the past half hour."

Slowly James released him. "Explain."


	10. Gennerbull James

My mom blames California for me being a lesbian. "Everything was fine until you moved out there." "That's right, Mom, we have mandatory lesbianism in West Hollywood. The Gay Patrol busted me, and I was given seven business days to add a significant amount of flannel to my wardrobe. ~Coley Sohn

AN: The Super OCCness is for fun only.3 Who likes the quote? Hahahaha it's great!

Winkle has made a re-appearance due to popular demand. Thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter, reviews are water and love to my garden of plot plants! Thanks! XD

Dedication: This chapter is for my bird Sammi, because he tried to take a chunk out of my nose yesterday when he was pissed off. XD

DISCLAIMER: I am not JK Rowling. You can tell because if I had the amount of money she does, I would rule the world by now. Apparently she's too nice for that.

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James paced back and forth, trying to understand his friend's situation. In situations such as this, he enjoyed pretending to be a generful, like from those muggle movies he watched once to impress Lily. He stood tall and straight, and had a very serious look on his face.

On his shoulder was Winkle, his pet cockroach. Winkle was standing at attention like a proper soldier awaiting orders.

James looked at Romulus who was tied to the bed frame. On either side of Romulus was Peter and Sirius. Peter on the left, Sirius on the right. Peter's face was disciplined into a hard mask; his grip was tight on the tied Romulus' arm.

Sirius' gaze flickered through each of his friends' faces in turn. This had to be his fault for kissing Remus, didn't it? If he hadn't kissed him, he wouldn't have gone to these lengths to get away from him. He'd royally messed up.

"Alright Mr.-" James checked his fake chart. "Lu- Loopee? Lupoon? Lu- Lu-"

"It's Lupin you dolt! It's pronounced Lupin!" James paused to look at him.

"Watch it you," Said Peter.

"Eep!" exclaimed Sirius.

"Ehem-" coughed James. And,

"Brrrllllllllll!" trilled Winkle.

"Mister Lupin, How is it again that you are related to our friend Remus?" James reassumed his pacing while Romulus and Sirius (more discretely) rolled their eyes.

"I _am_ him you wanker."

"What was that?" Peter jerked him roughly.

"I _said_: I am him, you _wanker_." Romulus smirked as Peter turned red in the face.

"Why you little-" Peter rose and stood over him threateningly.

"No please!" Sirius begged, "Don't hurt him! Take me instead!" Sirius started pulling on Peter, sobbing and pleading with him to spare his friend's life.

"No one talks to the Genderpull like that!" with that Peter started shaking Romulus and snarling in his face.

"No, wait, Pete, I don't think it's Genderpull- I'm pretty sure it's Gemmermul." James stopped his pacing to correct his insubordinate. Peter stopped his menacing act to look up at James.

"Oh, sorry. Right then, shall I try again?"

"Procede." James waved his wand airily in Peter's general direction.

Peter re-adjusted himself over Romulus, and pulled him up again by his collar.

"Ehem. No one talks to the Fennermull like that!" James nodded wisely as Peter pulled him closer.

Sirius continued his whimpering while Peter slapped Romulus across the face repeatedly.

"Now TALK!" As Peter started beating Romulus withing an inch of his life, James stepped up and pulled him away. Sirius ran to Romulus' side to whisper words of love and comfort, much to his displeasure.

"Private," James said soothingly to Peter, "You needn't be so rough with him."

"But Fennertull…."

"Shhhh-shh-shh-" James pressed a finger to Peter's lips and they both stared longingly into each other's eyes.

"Tennerchull…"

"Private…"

"Kemmerpool…"

"Private!"

"Jamerpool!"

"Private!"

"James!"

"Private!"

"James!" With each exclaimation they kept getting closer and closer, until their noses touched. Winkle hopped between the two excitedly, happy about the progression of the story. As they kept nearing Romulus was finally getting fed up with Sirius' loving.

"Will you blokes end the bloody fucking madness?" He fumed straining against his bonds.

James and Peter looked up, surprised, from their entwining embrace.

"Sorry there mate," James responded, setting about disentangling himself from Peter. "Got a little carried away there. Pete- Mate, give us a hand would you? You move your foot to the left and I'll move my hip to the right- yea- that's the ticket."

Sirius hurried to Romulus and started to un-tie his bonds.

"Romulus!" Sirius exclaimed, grabbing the boy's beaten face, "I'm so glad you're okay!" he pulled him to him in a bone crushing hug.

"I love you sooooo much!"

"Get off of me you fucking fag!" Romulus struggled to push Sirius off of him, one wrist still bound to the bed.

"Sirius," James interjected, struggling to get away from Peter, to whom he was still stuck. "The façade's over mate, you can stop now."

"Awwwwww," Sirius pouted, "But that was my favorite par-"by this point Romulus had escaped from the rest of his bonds.

He jumped on Sirius, with murderous intent.

"I'm not a bloody homo you freak! Stop fucking touching me!" He started beating Sirius' face, only to be pushed off by the larger boy. Sirius rolled them over until he was on top.

"Now," Sirius hissed, "Tell me how we get him back!" Romulus looked at him from underneath and smirked.

"With pleasure." With that retort Romulus fell still.

"Romulus?" Sirius asked, wary, "What's going on?"

Romulus opened his eyes.

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Remus opened his eyes.

The first thing he saw when he awoke was Sirius sitting on top of him. His first response was that of his nether regions, but that faded when he saw Sirius' face.

Of course he would still be angry. He had kissed him yesterday. No, the day before that. Actually…. He wasn't sure what day it was.

"Stop playing games with me Romulus!" Sirius pulled him closer by the collar, and if he hadn't looked so angry, Remus probably would have swooned at the close proximity.

"Wh-what games Sirius?" Remus stammered. This was the first time he'd seen his friend so angry. He vaguely wondered who this Romulus person was, but then he realized it must be his alter ego.

Sirius shook him roughly. "You _bastard_! Bring him _back_!" _He wants this Romulus bloke back…._

"I'm sorry! I can't right now!" He replied, squirming under Sirius' steel gaze.

"Like _HELL_ you can't!"

"Look, Sirius, mate, maybe he really can't. I mean, obviously any sane person would do what you wanted at this point." James, still tangled with Peter was the voice of reason. On Peter's head, Winkle chirped in agreement.

"I don't really give a flying fuck." Sirius drew back his arm, and the last thing that registered through Remus' mind before everything faded away, was the tear slipping down Sirius' cheek.


	11. Lovely Lily

Isn't it a violation of the Georgia sodomy law for the Supreme Court to have its head up its ass? ~Letter to _Playboy_ magazine, February 1987

AN: Jammin out to Alex Carpenter's (AKA the Remus Lupins) Bowties are cool! I know… I've been gone forever! But in my defense…. Actually, I don't really have a solid one. I could tell you about my two doctor who fics I've been working on, only one of which is up, or I could tell you about my fucked up REDICULOUS AP summer work… Or I could simply beg for forgiveness.

So my offer for appeasement is a chapter that is roughly double the length of my normal chapters. Forgive me? :3

btw, who likes my new border? I think it looks like a doily.

AN2: Btw, there's gonna be a word in this chapter that Remus doesn't catch. More than once. This word, or lack thereof, will be represented like this. (*) Part of the reason is because I haven't decided yet what word should go into the blank. Another reason is that idiocy/partial deafness is funny right here, and the last is that I felt like it. Teehee.

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When he opened his eyes, he found himself face to face with one Lily Evans. Noticing that he had woken up, she punched him lightly on the arm and tutted at him.

"What the _hell_ is your problem?" Remus opened his mouth to reply, but she interrupted him. "No, I don't want to hear it. Everyone has been worried _sick_ about you Remus! Sirius said something about a potion, but he was rather hysterical. So I'm assuming this potion had something to do with your odd behavior." He opened his mouth again, but was once more interrupted by Lily as she continued to rant.

"And I _really_ hope you can explain to me why on earth you grabbed my" this particular word he was unable to make out (*), "last Friday!"

"Lily I-"

"I _told_ you Remus, I don't want to hear it! There is absolutely no excuse for your behavior! Did I tell you yet that Sirius is hysterical? Well he is! He's making a huge mess of your dorm. Sirius keeps smashing things, and Potter's going bald trying to fix what he's breaking! Meanwhile, Peter's already gained ten pounds since this morning because of his so called 'comfort food'! And I failed a test this morning! In Herbology! _Herbology_ Remus! And it's all! Your! Fault!" The livid red head punctuated each word with a jab from her wand, and small appendages were protruding from his skin where she'd poked him.

Whilst she continued her rant (something about Sirius turning Frank into a thong in anger), Remus studied his surroundings. This was a part of the castle he'd never been to before, and, as it was very pink, he assumed it must be the girl dormitory. He was laying on what must've been Lily's bed, and it was a proper Gryffindor red and gold.

The other girls had apparently been trying to be feminine and house spirited at the same time by charming their room to be pink and yellow in the place of red and gold. In Remus' opinion they had definitely failed. He grabbed Lily's wand, stopping her mid rant, and charmed the décor of the room back to its original state.

"What did you do?" She squeaked, indignant. Remus sighed.

"I simply changed the room back to its rightful state. It was an abomination like that. Honestly, who would ever think that pink and yellow could pass for house colors?" Lily laughed.

"You're completely right of course. They'll just change it back though." Remus nodded silently, then added a charm to make his spell permanent.

"There. Now am I forgiven?" Lily looked at him gravely.

"I forgive you Remus, but the others…. I don't know, they're pretty mad. Nice wand work though. Now give it back." Remus silently handed back her wand, wondering what had happened. Was Sirius _this _angry about the kiss?

"Lily…" Remus mumbled cautiously, "Do you know why they're angry with me?"

"What do you mean "do I know?" Of course I know! You grabbed my" This word, once again was indistinguishable to Remus (*), "last Friday! And I wasn't the only one! You've been grabbing girls all week!" Remus had the decency to look ashamed.

"Though, of course, the vast majority didn't mind…. But that's not the point!" Lily said, blushing slightly and becoming slightly flustered.

"But… Isn't that better for everyone? That I've been after women and such?" Lily looked at him strangely.

"Well, normally, I'd tell you that as your friends, we love you and support you either way, and if you want to be a man-whore, then you and Sirius can go out and bugger all the sleazes in the school, but that's not the only change Remus." When her friend showed no sign of recognition, she continued.

"You've been a right prat, you know that? You've been going after girls (I've already told you that bit); skipping lessons; when you do show up, all you do is draw pictures of naked women on the desk with your wand. And of course you make them permanent. The professors can't get them off! You've been assigned thirty two detentions this week, _thirty two_ Remus! Potter and Sirius had to try very hard to worry about you rather than be jealous of you breaking their record. But I digress. You haven't shown up to a single one! Well, actually you did show up for one with Filch. You told him he was a filthy squib, then you hexed him and ran off."

Remus just looked at her. There was no _way_ he'd done those things. And even if he had, his friends would have been proud, not angry. What did he do?

"Lily, you know as well as I do that that wouldn't be enough to make my friends angry. They've done those things themselves. Don't you remember when Sirius magicked that nude picture of Bathilda Bagshot onto Dumbledore's podium in the great hall? They never got it off. They had to replace the podium. Why are they _really_ angry?"

Lily hesitated. "Well, I don't know everything," She stated, "but I do know you've been being a real asshole to Sirius; you tried to beat him up. I don't know why though. Potter's really pissed because you keep smoking in the dorms. I've heard him screaming about that at least five times today alone." Remus groaned. Smoking _once _around James Potter was enough to be hexed and ignored for a week. Plus a black eye on a bad day. Remus lifted a hand to his face and was surprised to find no damage. He quickly assessed the rest of his body and found himself to be whole, but achy. Lily laughed.

"I've already healed you, idiot. Would you like to know how bad you had it?" Remus nodded with some trepidation, and Lily started listing his injuries with a sadistic sort of glee.

According to her, he had gone after each Marauder in turn, after losing his temper with them. Of course, being the smallest (with the exception of Peter), and relatively fragile, he was quickly subdued, and accidentally crushed several times. Sirius' first punch had broken his nose, blacked his eye, and crushed the bone plate underneath his eye. Remus winced as he thought of the enormous hand that must have been crashing into his face.

He'd also sat upon Remus' chest, and Lily told him he'd had several fractured ribs. Remus' bones were rather brittle because of his transformations every month, and broke easily. He was probably lucky they were only slight fractures. Apparently the bruising Sirius had given him was too huge to quantify.

From James, Remus had received another black eye and a bruise on his cheek and neck. James had sat upon him too, but, being a seeker, and therefore much lighter than Sirius, James had only bruised his chest slightly.

And Peter (who knew?) had slapped him across the face so many times that he'd bruised both of his cheeks, and across his arms where he'd grabbed him.

And boy, could he feel it. But it did make him wonder how he'd made Sirius so angry.

Lily continued chattering away about the more gruesome details of his injuries while he tried his hardest to remember the details of what had occurred during his alter-ego's reign. What had Sirius called him then? Romanus?

"-Forced us all to call you Romulus-" Ah, that's what Sirius had called him, Romulus.

He tried his hardest to remember, but all he could call to mind were anguished yells and shouts. The only words he could make out were 'faggot' and 'bastard'. Sirius must still be angry about the kiss and told the others. That's why everyone was angry with him.

While he was thinking this, he heard angry shouting from the stairway to the girl's dormitory.

"Lily Flower!" Came the voice of James Potter from behind the door. "Could I please come in?"

"Go to hell Potter," was Lily's only response. Remus' snickered. Same old Lily; she'd probably forgotten herself and thought he was coming to 'woo' her.

"He's probably here for me Lills."

"Lilyyyyyyyy let us innnnnn!" Peter's voice echoed through next.

"Only if you three promise to behave! No beating Remus or rooting through my panty drawers!"

There were three murmurs of ascent from behind the door. Lily stood up from her perch beside Remus on her bed and unlocked the door.

Three teenaged forms burst through, all looking disheveled, dirty, and worse for wear. They managed to tangle into each other and fall in a heap onto the floor in front of Lily's bed. Forgetting they were mad at him, Remus let out a loud laugh at his friends as they each struggled to get to the bed first. Lily grinned at him and they shared a moment of fondness for his three struggling friends.

Sirius finally won the battle when Peter transformed into Wormtail and scurried out of the fray. Immediately, Sirius transformed into Padfoot and started licking Remus' face, excitedly barking, jumping and wagging his tail.

Remus laughed, "Geroff Padfoot! Haha, that's gross! Down Padfoot!" He laughed happily while the dog continued barking and slobbering all over him.

Once he'd properly freed himself from Sirius' doggy breath, Lily leaned over to whisper conspiratorially into his ear.

"Don't worry, I've already told them you've changed back." Lily had been playing dumb the entire time so she could surprise him with his friends once he woke up.

"They don't hate me?" He asked Lily.

"We could never hate _you_ mate! You mean way too much to us." James grinned, having overheard his conversation with Lily.

"We missed you like hell you stupid prat!" Squeaked Peter from his position underneath and in between James' legs. He was still hiding from Sirius.

Sirius, still in Padfoot mode was curled up into his side, and his reassurance of friendship was a gentle lick to the palm of his hand.

"I thought you guys hated me." Remus looked up at all of his friends, tears threatening to spill from his eyes.

"We could never hate you. Romulus… He was a prat. But we love you." James proceeded to recount the story of how exactly Remus had gotten so beaten up. He told him about the smoking, the cussing and the rolling around on the floor.

Then Remus told them about his potion while stroking Sirius' furry head absentmindedly. After about twenty minutes he heard a gentle snore come from the animagus' mouth. Well, he decided, he'd talk to Sirius when he woke up.

Gathering the sleeping dog into his arms, Remus fell into an easy sleep on Lily's bed, still too tired to move.

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AN: Well, what did you think? Drop me a line if you liked this chapter! It was a little slow at first but that's how I wanted it. I like it. But now I'm not sure what I want to do. There was MORE I wanted to do with this story, but I really do think it's good just like this too. I'm debating between making this the end, continuing, and making a sequel. Either way, I'm not planning on clearing up the romantic issues any time soon. Because I'm evil. Thanks again for reading (please review). Para out! XD


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